TRADED: Your Joke for my new Sawyer Mini

[sargevining]

Luther and Leroy were two East Texas Good Ol' Boys. Luther was always trying to better himself, and one day somebody told him he might want to go to college, and he decided to check that out. He didn't like traveling alone, so he asked Leroy to go with him down to East Texas Normal School and check out the whole college thing.

When they got there, Luther told Leroy to stay with the mules while he went on into the college. He wandered into one building and walked down the halls until he found a room with a man sitting at a desk.

The man said "Can I help you?"

Luther said. "Yup. I want to know about college."

"What do you need to know?" asked the man behind the desk.

"What kind of thing do you all do here?" says Luther.

"We teach things."

"What kind of things?"

"Well," says the man behind the desk, "I'm a Professor of Logical Deduction, so I teach that."

Luther gets that expression on his face he usually gets when he can't figure something out. "Whut's Logical Deduction?"

"It's a way of looking at the world, using available information, and then through a process of deduction, coming to know other things."

That expression doesn't leave Luther's face and all he can do is say "Say whut?"

"Perhaps I can demonstrate it to you." offers the Professor. "How did you get here today?"

Luther brightens up a bit and says "Me and Leroy rode the mules down from Bumtizzle."

"Well then," says the professor, "Using that information, I can logically deduce that you are a farmer, am I correct?"

"Yup, sho 'nuff." Got 60 acres of bottom land."

"Ah!" says the Professor, "With that bit of information I can logically deduce that you have a family. Am I correct?"

"Well, I swan," says Luther, "I sure do, got a wife and three younguns."

"And with that piece of information, I can logically deduce that you are a heterosexual."

Luther gets all excited with this new idea of Logical Deduction and rushes out to Leroy standing by the mules.

"Leroy," he says "I am sure fire going to thisseer college and I'm gonna be studying up on Logical Deduction!"

Leroy says "Logical Deduction, whut in heckfahr is Logical Deduction?"

"Lemme demonstrate it to you." says Luther. "Do you own any mules?"

"Aw Luther, you know I have to borrow your mules every time I need to plow my field or pull a stump"

Well then," says Luther, "you're gay."

[CB200T]

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender:
"Hi, I'd like to order a couple of pints."

To which the bartender replies: "We don't serve string here."

The two strings walk out of the bar in a huff, and walk about outside for a while. The night is cold, so they have a bit of a cuddle, causing them to become quite tangled up. Afterward, they decide to go back into the bar and give the bar man a piece of their mind, and try their drink order again.

The strings ask for pint a second time, to which the barman responds, are you still strings? The strings reply: "No, we're a frayed knot!"

[G.G.]

From my daughter...

knock, knock.

Who's there?

Señor.

Señor who?

Señor underpants.

[ToHa]

Steps to building a camp fire......

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat “I’m a Happy Camper” and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
13. After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.
Thanks, that was fun!

[Steelwolf]

Relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway!!!

[donig]

Fred says, "That clock is always wrong!"

Barney replies, "Yeah, it doesn't know what it is tocking about."

[4estTrekker]

This is one my grandpa used to tell every Christmas...

Frank and Earl were two good ol' boys who lived down the same dirt road. Every day Frank would pass by Earl's place on his way into town. On one particular day, Frank noticed Earl standing out his field in front of his old John Deere tractor, wearing a three-piece suit and holding a dozen roses. About that time, Earl caught notice of Frank staring at him. Embarrassed, he chucked the roses behind the tractor, cleared his throat, and pulled out his hanky to blow his nose. Frank stopped the truck and hollered, "Whatcha doin', you crazy coot?" Earl sheepishly replied, "Well, Frank, the truth is that me an' the Mrs. ain't doin' so well. We tried a few of those self-help books, but nothin' took. So, we decided to go an' see one of those counseling fellers. He listened for awhile and then suggested that if we wanted to rekindle that spark we once had, that I should do somethin' sexy to a tractor. I've been standing here for an hour, but I still haven't figured out what this has to do with my wife!

[Kaycee]

Ole went to the Sons of Norway Hall one night and finally won the door prize, which was a toilet brush. He was so excited that he won he brought it home and used it often. Someone asked him during the next meeting what the prize was and if he liked it or not. Ole replied, "Ya I like de toilet brush, but I tink I'm gonna go back to using da toilet paper."

[MK-9]

Wouldn't call this a dirty joke. And not sure if you've got small kids or people that might not appreciate it. No foul language or dirtyness essentially. Just slightly gross.

Anyway, here goes.

A guy goes to visit his friend the zookeeper at the zoo for lunch.

They meet and the zookeeper tells the friend to wait by the monkey cages while he goes to change clothes quick.

The guy notices there is a peanut dispenser near the monkey cage. He puts in a quarter and gets a handful of peanuts.

He tosses one to the nearest monkey in the cage. The monkey sees the peanut land and saunters over to pick it up. The guy watches in disgust as the monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The man is repulsed and can't believe his eyes, but human nature being what it is, throws the monkey another peanut.

Sure enough the monkey runs over, grabs the peanut, sticks it up his rear and takes it out and again eats it.

By this point the zookeeper has come back and the revolted man says to him 'Wow. This is one incredibly stupid monkey you have here.'

The zookeeper says, 'Really? Why makes you say that?'

The guy says, 'Watch this.' then tosses the monkey another peanut. Same as the times before. The monkey walks over, grabs the peanut, puts it up his back end then pulls it out and tosses it into his mouth.

The man grimaces and says, 'See?!'

The zookeeper laughs and responds by saying 'Noooo. That is one very smart monkey!'

The friend, floored says 'How do you figure?'

The zookeeper responds 'Well you see, last week somebody threw him a peach and he couldn't pass the pit. So now he measures everything first.'

[HamMike]

Man walks into a bar carrying a three legged pig. Bartender says hey what happened to your pig? Guy says well one night we were all sleeping and our pig came busting into the house squealing and carrying on when we tried to grab him he took off and we all chased him and he led us into the storm cellar. Just then a gigantic tornado swept in and leveled the house. Pig saved our lives!! Bartender says Oh! He lost his leg in the tornado! Guy says nope! Well then what happened to your pig mister? asks the bartender. Guy says well after that we rebuilt the house. Then about a year later the pig comes barreling back into the house in the middle of the night squealing like all get out. So we all chased him out of the house and he ran all the way up on the biggest mountain in town. Just then a monstrous rain storm came and along with a disastrous flood. Our new home was washed away but he saved our lives again! Bartender asks Oh! So he lost his leg in the flood then? Again the guy says nope! The bartender is at his wits end and finally laments, mister please can you please just tell me how this great pig came to lose his leg?

The guy looks at him with puzzlement and says, Buddy you tell me...

If you had a pig this great, would you eat him all at once!?