A Fond Bid Adieu...maybe
Well, here we are. Less than 72 hours from the end of this little blue marble floating through the universe. While I don’t know what form the end will take, it has become clear that the result will be the end of us. Zombies, asteroids, floods, famine, super volcanoes, planet-wide storms; it’s just a buffet of death and destruction. All brought to us by aliens that the Mayan apparently chatted with a few hundred years ago.
So, in these last few hours, I wanted to wish you all luck. I have chosen to meet my end up in the mountains that I love. Of course, if it is to be death by super volcano, I’ll have a near front-row seat from my high perch in Colorado. At least, of the super eruption at Yellowstone; I’m sure many of you will have your own view in your part of the world. I can see the orange and yellow light show now. If I’m to meet my end, at least there will be fireworks.
A super volcano might be my preferred method. If it’s a flood…imagine the severe case of finger pruning you’ll have to suffer through before it finally ends. The humanity! Zombies would at least be entertaining for a while. Still, they always win in the end and while my name is Cannibal, I do not wish for a death by nibbles. That doesn’t even take into account how foul their breath will be. Bad enough to die as dinner; no need for the stinky cheese to top it off.
Asteroids would be like the super volcanoes, I suppose. But, the nice thing about the volcanoes is that if one triggers, others are likely to go too. This would be good for getting it over with, but an asteroid knows no such manners. If we get thumped by one, only some of us are going to go quick. The rest will be left to starve slowly. Again, not sounding pleasant.
Famine; I’m chalking that one up to the zombie category. I figure we will all effectively be zombies if that happens. No thank you. Planet-wide storms? Are you kidding me? There will be no electricity! I refuse to entertain the idea that I won’t be able to watch the end of the world via the news outlets from my cell phone. It is one thing to wipe me out, but it should be merciful.
Alas, all of my hammocks will be left alone in a world with no purpose. I feel badly for them. My quilts and tarps will likely fare no better; sadly. I’d offer them another home, but they have been with me this long, so they will be with me in the end. I’ve already made some saddlebags for the donkeys, so that they can carry the contents of my gear room up to our viewing area. On the upside, there will be more living space in our house for the zombies to make use of; silver linings.
But mostly, I’ll miss the banter here. So many of you that I call ‘friend’ that it breaks my heart to know that HF will be lost. When the aliens that are behind the end of our world come to take over, what will they know of us? Will they realize that we were just mere years from bringing about peace on Earth with our ministry of comfort and relaxation? Doubtful. In fact, they will probably view us as some kind of cult. That is, if they manage to restore the servers that they destroyed in the process of stealing our world. Their loss! I bet they sleep on some kind of slab and that’s why they are so hostile towards us; sleep deprivation. Who would have thought it would be the reason for our doom? If only the muppets had done “Hammocks in Space” instead of “Pigs in Space”. Maybe the aliens are anti-pork. They have to have a reason…don’t they?
But wait a minute. The Mayans are the ones that foretold of our doom and it is in that corner of our world that this whole hammock-thing came to be. Could this also be the work of the aliens? Did they provide us with an escape-clause? Every problem has a solution, so surely there must be a way to avoid this crime against humanity; not that we don’t deserve it a little bit anyway. Is it possible that the Mayans mistook some kind of alien jargon? It’s plausible. Look at our own jargon and how it could be misunderstood. We call ourselves ‘hangers’, but isn’t that what they did to criminals in the Wild West and still do in some corners of our world? Couldn’t the phrase “I saw Cannibal hanging from the trees this weekend” be terribly misunderstood by someone unfamiliar with our ‘cult’? I think so! Therefore, it seems logical to assume something similar might have happened when the Mayans hosted their intergalactic kegger.
Seriously. In the Mayan culture we find an incredible level of knowledge, and better yet, understanding of advanced mathematics and astronomy. Impressive for a bunch of people running around with feathers on their heads and little bitty strips of leather covering their ‘stuff’. So, what made them think that cutting the hearts out of people’s chest…WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE…was a good idea? It had to have been a simple misunderstanding about hammocks. It’s really the only thing that makes sense. Perhaps, the aliens didn’t have the likes of a Just Jeff to put together a list of their acronyms. The Mayans then made the ultimate bad assumption and instead of devoting themselves to improving upon the gift of hammocks presented by the aliens, they thought the aliens wanted them to offer some form of sacrifice. Maybe the sacrifice was meant to be about sleeping on the ground. Who knows, maybe the aliens aren’t just anti-pork. Maybe they are the Board of Directors for PETA (would explain a lot, huh?) and the human sacrifice irked them to the point they decided we no longer needed to exist.
So, instead of returning to reveal the secrets of underquilts and whoopies, they came back to inform the Mayans of their intentions. The only reason they set the date so far out, is that they are hammockers. This implies they are inherently lazy and can’t be bothered with planetary destruction before lunch. I’m assuming they have REALLY long days.
So maybe, just maybe, there is a way out. If the aliens really did gift hammocks to the Mayans and if the Mayans simply made a mistake in translation, I think there is hope. You see, it isn’t possible (in my mind) for a civilization so well versed in hammocks that they travel the universe to spread the knowledge, to be so cruel. Maybe they just don’t know how far we’ve come. We can show them that we have found the truth to their gift. Also, it is a super safe bet that if they are hangers, they are gear-heads too. While our hammock tech may be way behind theirs, I know many of us enjoy seeing vintage rigs. It is at least possible that they share that obsession. In fact, I’d put it as ‘likely’.
I dunno. Maybe this is all just the ramblings of a hanger that doesn’t want to stop hanging yet and I’m clutching at straws. Maybe I’m just a fool for believing we can prevent our certain destruction. But hey, it’s worth a shot isn’t it? For these reasons, I make a proposal. The world is supposed to end this Friday and since we have all already maxed out our credit cards, bought new yachts (on credit), and decided against sending that mortgage check in; is it safe to assume we’ve all already quit our jobs and told our bosses what we think about their mothers (which really sucks if you work for family)? Given that, you don’t have to be at work Friday. Make good use of your day! Hang your hammock on as high of a piece of land as you can find. Take the aluminum foil hat off so you can communicate with the aliens and show them we deserve to survive. Show them your gear and distract them. If our luck holds and we can distract them long enough, perhaps we can overtake their mothership and steal all their hammock tech. Without their hammocks, they will surely lose their ability to process basic information and forget about destroying us. Leaving them to wander the galaxy in search of someone else’s planet to destroy. Worth a try anyway.
Besides, if I’m wrong and this plan doesn’t work, at the very least you’ll meet your maker in style and comfort. Assuming the world does go “boom”, would you rather be in your hammock or on your couch? I am going hiking this weekend. I’m leaving the house tomorrow for my trip, so I won’t be here when the world ends and wanted to say my goodbyes now. I also wanted to float my plan for the Earth’s salvation. It rests squarely on our shoulders. When I come back on Monday and login to HF, I’ll know that the only reason it exists is because my plan worked and you all helped make it work by flying your hammock-freak flags. Our combined distractions will provide the ability for our Hammock Special Forces to take the mothership. It is only because the world is in such peril that I reveal to you the real purpose for your donations to HF. It isn't really for servers. Those donations fund the training of our HSF (Hammock Special Forces). You would be amazed how many different ways these warriors can kill with a toggle and a whoopie sling! Give em a spork, and look out! So in advance, congrats on your resolute defense of our world using the single most powerful weapon in our arsenal; a good nap!
See ya’ll on the other side of the end...again!
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Originally Posted by Cannibal
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